Jack and the Beanstalk
by Al Kristopher
Summary: Our beloved samurai relives the classic fairy tale as he continues his search for a way home! Will he meet with success, trouble, or simply another quirky character??


Jack and the Beanstalk

By Al Kristopher

It was a crowded, hot, thick bowl of mercantile soup that Jack had gotten himself into, a hub of trade and profit positioned somewhere between the merciless desert and an oasis of paradise. The sky above was a pale blue without a single spot of white, and below, the golden sand faded away into crude tiles as the city emerged from the waste. There was a smell of exotic people there, and spices from distant lands, and rugs woven from rare fabrics, and the scent of steel being forged and souls being exchanged in dark secret. A roaring din rose up as hundreds of hagglers vied for the best prices, where entertainers showed travelers their skills, and where thieves were found and adventure called once again.

A single figure wearing a sensible white robe (sensible to avoid excess heat in such an arid place) quietly made his way through the city, ignoring the merchants selling him things he would neither need nor afford. His goal was elsewhere, a certain man he had met many times before, a person with outside connections and a king's worth of information. He charged a highway robber's price for the knowledge, but for Jack, who rid him of his more dangerous "competition", he made an exceptional discount. This was a good deal, since the Samurai had some bargaining to do.

Secretly and silently, the samurai sulked over to a more sparse area of the city, a dark alleyway where the shadows offered shade from the heat and concealment from the authorities. He traveled beneath an archway and ducked inside a thin corner, where a well-concealed booth stood waiting. Behind the counter was a man as tall and thin as Jack, his skin darkened by the outside world and his gray hairs forecasting his upcoming age. There was still strength in his voice and mind, though, and his eyes as well--he recognized the samurai easily.

"Can I help you with something, traveler?" he asked. Jack quietly closed the gap between himself and the man, and spoke in a very low and casual voice.

"I am here to buy some fruit, the special brand."

"You mean the Crobulan Fairy Peach? They don't come cheap in this area. My price is 500."

"The last peaches you sold me were rotten," muttered Jack. "I was… dissatisfied. I will ask for 200 instead."

"They must've rotted before you got a chance to eat them. They were perfectly fresh when they were with me. Four fifty."

"But that type of fruit rots quickly, sir. I will ask for 275."

"That's something that's beyond my control, traveler," muttered the "merchant" in a thin voice. "I guarantee you, though, this kind is guaranteed to stay fresh. Please accept the offer of 350."

"Well, you have always given me good fruit before, and your prices are reasonable," concluded Jack. He dug into his kimono and laid down an envelope that contained 350A, in which the "merchant" examined and smiled in satisfaction. He gave Jack a small dark-blue bag containing the desired "fruit", and bowed his head.

"I thank you for your purchase, sir. May you enjoy the fruit and all its seeds."

"I hope so." With the bag in hand, Jack quietly left the dark alleyway and went back into the main part of the town, into the light, where he would look for a place to rest for the day. Night was a better time to wander around the desert anyway, and people usually competed with Jack for his "purchases" whenever the sun was around.

Sighing, Jack quietly sat on the firm bed in the desert hotel room, the bag of "fruit" at his side. He examined it and tested its weight for a moment, feeling little inside other than three lumps. When he dumped the contents on the bed, three ordinary-looking beans fell out of it, as well as a note from the merchant. It read, "_Plant these in the oasis, and by the next day, there will be a path that leads to what you seek_". Not feeling _too_ skeptical about this new method of attaining what he sought (since by that time, the samurai would've tried anything), Jack decided to go for it, and hid the beans in a safe place as he rested for the day.

At night, when nobody was looking, he quietly crept out of his room, snuck all the way out of the city, and made it to the oasis. There, he secretly dug a small hole with his bare hands, and threw the beans inside, covering them back up with the soil. Then, with the deed done, he crept away once again to his room, and decided that an extra day's worth of rest and refreshment was well in order. Jack did not get many opportunities to really relax himself in the dystopian world, so he took them whenever they came.

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Upon the dead of the second night he stayed in the city, Jack and all the insomniacs felt the earth tremble heavily, as if a quake was shivering them. It ended quickly and without much violence, but it was then that Jack knew something had happened. He wanted to investigate, but he preferred to do it during light hours, when he would be refreshed from the night's sleep.

The very moment a shaft of light peeked in on his room, Jack had already prepared himself for the day and was running out of the hotel. Already, a few merchants in the area were gaping at whatever had caused the tremor the previous night, but since the tall buildings obscured Jack's view, he couldn't see whatever it was. He resolved to weave his way through the city and back to the oasis (although it would probably be crowded with people staring at the disturbance).

Sure enough, after trickling through the sea of people and buildings, Jack spotted a large crowd gathering around the point of disturbance. He got a good look at it as he ran into the area: towering high above them all was an enormous beanstalk, sprouted from the seeds that Jack had sown two nights before. Its sheer width was larger than two men standing together with their arms extended, and its height was so large that it poked past the clouds themselves. Everyone murmured in awe as they gawked at the stalk, even Jack--but he recovered himself as he realized what he must do.

Excusing himself through the crowd, Jack took hold of the beanstalk, looked up at it again, and slowly began to climb up. The people there shouted at him, most of them recognizing him, and assumed that this was yet another one of his efforts to return to his own time. One person cheered as he ascended higher, and soon many people yelled at him, though none of them knew what perils or treasures awaited their beloved samurai at the top.

"You go, Jackie-boy!" shouted one of the men. "Climb all the way to the top!!"

"Maybe he'll figure out a way to defeat Aku!" shouted a woman.

"Maybe he'll find the spirit of the heavens who will send him home!"

"What if there's a secret passage to Aku's fortress up there?"

"Duh, maybe there is a great big giant in the clouds, who feasts on people he harvests on the surface world and has enslaved a very pretty harp-like creature for his own evil purposes, and this harp-creature grants him any wish, and he wishes for riches and money and more power and maybe he wants to rule the world!!!!!!"

The crowd stared at the over imaginative man in puzzlement and confusion.

"Well… it's possible…"

By that point, Jack had already climbed so high up that he could no longer hear even the loudest people shouting at him. He got a magnificent view of the landscape around him, which was mostly a vast golden desert with a small dot of green that represented the oasis. Although the desert was large and vast, somewhere in the distance he could see a blue mountain, which might or might not have been the legendary Mt. Fatoom (which he also successfully scaled). He paused for only a moment to admire the view, and climbed onward and upward, slow and sure as a caterpillar.

Most of the rest of that hot day, in fact, was spent in climbing the large vine that led from the ground up into the clouds, where anything could have awaited him, or in fact nothing at all. Jack was willing to take that risk, and at the very least, he would get a good idea of his surroundings (he really should have accepted the Scotsman's offer to go hunting for that World Map). Slowly and surely, up and up, he inched closer to his goal, until the day and even the night passed him by. Finally, after many hours of endless climbing, he made it up to the very top, and was surprised to find solid ground beneath him.

It appeared to be a small acreage of land hovering high in the sky, supported by magic or other means. There were certainly clouds floating around him, but the ground was definitely solid to the touch. Jack examined his new heavenly surroundings, and found that in the distance, towering over him like a mountain, was a castle made of immensely heavy stone. There was no possibly way for him to get inside through the gate, but there was a small crack in one of the holes that would've allowed a large rat--or samurai--to slip through, so this was where Jack ran off to.

When he wedged himself through the other side of the hole, Jack came into what seemed to be a large dining room, filled with enormous versions of common cooking utensils that one would find in any house. Whole cows hung from racks, alongside entire pigs and sheep, ready to be devoured by some immense creature. There was also a large cabinet that held a butcher knife the size of a house, and a thick club in the corner, its purposes better left unrevealed. Jack could smell the stink of animal blood everywhere, and saw the filth on the floor that had been trampled on by large boots. His nose also picked up the odor of something truly titanic, a creature that could only be described as a giant.

Suddenly, as Jack scanned over his surroundings, the entire room began to shake, sending him tumbling up and down as if he were on a trampoline. Wondering what sort of being would make such a sound, Jack hid behind a jar of olives and waited for the creator of such a noise to appear. To his utter lack of surprise, a giant emerged from the other room, equally as ugly as he was large, scratching his bottom and yawning. In his hand was the remains of an ox, but it didn't stay there long--he ate it before he sat down at his large table.

"Hungry," grumbled the giant in a low bass voice. He blindly reached for a cow hanging from the rack, and swallowed it whole without ever biting anything. It grunted again, reaching for a large cup that would have been a well anywhere else. "Thirsty." The beer inside soon vanished. "Quiet. Harp? HARP, PLAY!!!"

"At once, my handsome lord!" A sweet, syrupy voice flowed out of nowhere, and with it came a woman completely covered in gold from head to toe, with a large harp strapped to her back. Jack's eyes widened in surprise as the harp-lady strolled over to the giant, gave him a flirtatious wink, and began to play a merry after-lunch tune. The giant bellowed out a laugh and slapped his thunderous hands together to the tune, of which even Jack liked hearing.

As the samurai watched, he wondered if this harp-woman was what the merchant back in the town wanted him to find. There were plenty of rumors flowing around that very same trader's town, and others like it, that mystical creatures like that oftentimes granted wishes to their masters. Of course, Jack didn't know the true powers of the harp-lady for himself, but he resolved to find them out the very second he could.

As soon as the harp-lady was done, the giant stood up and rumbled out of the room, apparently content for the time being. Sensing his chance, Jack quickly leaped from the counter he was on and jumped onto another, going from platform to platform until he somersaulted his way onto the table, where the harp-woman remained. She gasped in surprise as she saw him, but a quick slap over her mouth silenced her.

"Ssshhh…" he hissed. "Are you a prisoner here?" The harp-lady nodded her head, her golden eyes telling Jack of secret tales of woe and misery. "I am going to let go of your mouth now, and you must promise to keep your voice down." She agreed.

"You have come to free me?" she asked once her lips were loose. Jack nodded his head.

"If you are a prisoner here, I cannot stand by and let such a thing happen. I was hoping that you did not truly enjoy being here anyway."

"Ugh, you got that right," grunted the harp-lady indignantly. "It's nothing but sing and play for that big fat oaf, every single hour of every single day. It's been like this ever since he kidnapped me from the Magical Realm of Secret Instruments, miles and miles beyond this castle. Ugh, buttering that big lazy slob up every day gives me the willies!" Jack understood and made yet another compromise.

"I will help you out of this place, but first I must ask you a question."

"Look, if it's about repaying you, I'd be more than happy to. Consider it gratitude for freeing me. Hey, would you happen to have a plan for getting us out of here?"

"I… was hoping that you would be able to sing the giant to sleep," whispered Jack. "As long as we are quiet afterwards, we should be able to escape." The harp-lady smiled sadly and gave the samurai a shrug.

"Yeah, I thought you were gonna say that. It's hard to do with just one person, which is why I haven't escaped yet, but with two of us here, we can pull it off. Let me guess--you came here by way of beanstalk."

"Yes, I did!" he exclaimed with a smile. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess…" A snort interrupted their conversation, and fearing the worst, the harp-lady told Jack to hide once again. He scurried away and hid behind the olive jar again, and in mere moments, the giant came lumbering back, hungry and thirsty and bored as ever.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman! I'll grind his bones to make me bread, I'll tear his body and squeeze his head!"

"Oh, master, there hasn't been an Englishman in this castle in centuries!" chuckled the harp. "Your nose must have a cold! I know what will clear that right up, though!"

"Uh, a song from me pretty?" guessed the giant. The harp-lady smiled warmly.

"Wow, handsome _and_ smart! You're such a wonderful master! Here, allow me…" She cleared her throat, and with a beautiful flair, the woman strung the strings on her "body" and slowly sang out a soft song, one meant for lulling to sleep any creature big and lazy enough to listen. The giant sank in his seat, yawned out a great roar, stretched, smacked his lips, and slowly closed his eyes. Even Jack felt a little sleepy, but he kept his senses about him and waited for the right moment. Eventually, a second sound joined the harp, that of the snoring giant, and it was Jack's time to escape.

With the silence of a shinobi, Jack crept back onto the kitchen table, gave the relieved harp-lady a silent thumbs-up, and took her hand as he slowly led her down the legs of the table and onto the dirty floor. There, they ran into a mega-sized mouse nibbling on scraps of meat that had fallen from the table. The harp-lady nearly let out a scream, but Jack covered her mouth again before more than a brief squeal could escape.

The giant snorted in discomfort, freezing the very perspiration that was falling down Jack's brow. Then, the snoring comforted him again.

Relieved, Jack and the harp-lady continued their escape towards the hidden crack in the wall. The mouse they had passed earlier let out a squeak, and ran towards the two in a mindless frenzy. The harp-lady accidentally let out a scream, in which the mouse joined. Both sounds reached the ears of the sleeping giant, and with a snap and a snarl, he bolted out of his chair and roared as he spotted the tiny thief.

"YOU'RE STEALING MY HARP!! _NOBODY_ STEALS MY HARP!!"

"Run!!" Jack grabbed hold of the harp-lady's wrist and sprinted for the crack, which he was able to fit through but the lady was not. She panicked as she tried to force her large accessory through the opening, and as the thundering sound of the giant's footsteps grew closer and louder, her own pulse began to thump at a similar pace and volume. She screamed again, but at the last second, Jack squeezed the harp through and dragged the woman through the tiny hole, apologizing to her for the inconvenience. The giant's hand swiped by, barely missing them by a hair, and an even louder scream erupted from the castle.

Running as fast as their feet could, Jack and the harp-lady raced across the solid fields of white towards the beanstalk, which was thankfully still poking out of the clouds. The ground shivered beneath them as the giant drew closer, and a whistling sound from behind them gave indication that he had found his club and was ready to swing it. Jack noticed the large weapon and ran all the faster, not wanting to risk a battle with such an immense creature. Clenching his teeth and screaming out loud, he slid onto the stalk and began tumbling down the green vine like a fireman going down a pole, with the harp-lady yelling right next to him.

Strangely enough, she sounded like she was _enjoying_ the whole thing.

A slippery samurai easily slid down the sloping stalk, golden harp-lady in tow, and in a mere hour down instead of several grueling ones up, he made it onto the surface where a group of people waited for him. They let out a cheer, but there was nothing to be happy about just yet.

"Stand clear!" shouted Jack. "I'm going to chop this beanstalk down! There is a giant pursuing us, so please get as far away as you can!" Trusting Jack's word, the people scattered in a semi-panic, leaving the samurai by himself to cut the stalk down.

"Hurry!" wailed the harp-lady in a panic. Quickly removing his sword, Jack swung at the stalk several times, slowly chopping away at it piece by piece. He butchered through the entire plant in only a few strokes, sending the entire thing crashing down like a mighty redwood--along with the giant. With nothing to support his slide down, the giant continued to tumble towards the earth, screaming and flailing uselessly until he slammed into the ground with a seismic SPLAT. Perhaps the entire planet shook as the large creature impacted on the surface, sending buildings collapsing and great cracks opening wide in the earth.

When the dust finally settled and things calmed down, Jack slowly removed himself from some rubble that had accumulated over his person during the quake. He then helped the harp-lady, who whistled out in relief as she was helped to her feet.

"Golly! That was some fun ride, huh?!"

"Yes…" muttered Jack as he cleaned himself off. "Though I would not want to do it again."

"I hear ya!" she grinned. Slowly, as peace returned to the merchant village, the people began trickling back, many of them curious to examine their new hole. A massive crater was left where the giant had landed, and the behemoth himself remained inside, utterly motionless and perhaps lifeless as well. Needless to say, burying the big ogre would take a lot of effort, but Jack still had a victory on his hands, perhaps his most lucrative yet.

"Well," he sighed, sheathing his sword coolly, "I suppose when it was all said and done, it was worth the trip. Now tell me, harp-lady, what sort of reward could I expect from rescuing you?"

"Oh, anything you can name, handsome stranger!" she exclaimed. "A kiss, a song, my hand in marriage maybe…?" She giggled and flitted her eyes at him, but he had a… different idea in mind.

"Erm… perhaps later. Would it be possible for you to send me back to my original time period?" The golden harp-lady shook her head.

"I'd love to if I could, but I don't have that power. All I can really do is make the world's greatest melodies--but hey, that's a pretty good treasure, too! And you rescued a pretty young lady like myself, so it was worth the troubles!" Perplexed, confused, and slightly irritated, Jack could only mutter a few words.

"Um… Yes…" He bowed at the harp-lady, sighed, and decided that it was once again time to search for fresh fruit. This time, though, he was being tenaciously followed by a grateful, beautiful, and talented lady, who would sing of the heroic deeds of Samurai Jack for years to come.

THE END


End file.
